There is no right or wrong in any choice. There is no perfect exit. There is what we call “the good death”—passing without pain and suffering. My idea of the good death would include the ability to communicated freely and lovingly with family, and know they are beside me in my final hours.

Author, J. Phillip Jones, in his book, Light on Death: The Spiritual Art of Dying says, “There are three important things about our loved one’s life that remains with us: The memory of our loved one, The legacy of our loved one, The love we still share”

A client shared with me the final hours of his father’s life. “We took turns entering Dad’s bedroom, taking the opportunity to individually say our farewell. Then at times, the entire family gathered around his bed. We read scripture and sang Dad’s favorite hymns until his energy gently and quietly left his body.”

What is important is to honor the loved one as they wish to be honored— acknowledging their wishes for how they want their final days and hours to be, who they want visiting or surrounding them, and how exclusive they prefer that circle of love in their remaining time. One hospice experience included a cultural tradition that was out of the ordinary, but of great importance to the family in respect to their beliefs and to their dying loved one.

When the discussions and documentation of our wishes is done months or years earlier then even if there is a medical condition for which these expressions can not now be shared, they can still be honored and carried out. A primary purpose of the book, Please Dance at My Funeral: A Celebration of Life, is to encourage people to have these discussions early. Melanie Dunea, author of My Last Supper: The Next Course, asks 50 great chefs “What would be your last meal on Earth? What would be the setting for the meal? What would you drink with your meal? Would there be music? Who would be your dining companions? and Who would prepare the meal?” The holidays and family reunions are a perfect time to loosely introduce the topic, and to initiate some basic questions about what each would want for their end-of-life experience. It’s never too soon to have these discussion…on the contrary, it is too often-- too late.

When we think of the way in which we come into this world – being held, rocked, and maybe sung to, isn’t that, too, the way we want to be lovingly released? With grief, family members often insist that every last effort be tried and no expense spared to prevent death. At some point it is okay to let your family know that you are making peace with all that is happening – and ask your loved ones that they lovingly release you when the time nears. “Enveloped with love, and drifting asleep to the tender words of a loved one, is an experience we have cherished since our childhood. The caring experience and loving expression is no less important now than embraces of celebration we received when we entered this world.”